Earlier today, a group of
patriots people with nothing better to do held a rally against the mask mandate for schools issued by Governor Wolf’s Department of Health. As you can see, it was quite the gathering, with 14 whole people showing up to defend against tyranny:
To be fair, they were loud and obnoxious for a crowd several times larger, actively engaging with anyone who crossed their path.
In a way it was almost sad, because for the 5 minutes I watched, nearly every person passing by had no problem telling the protestors to “fuck off,” which was really quite fun to watch.
The group had every variation of “spreadneck” you would expect at this kind of meeting of the minds; Alpha Karens, Neck Beards, Grandmother Who Is Way Too Young To Be a Grandmother, etc. It was a truly diverse group of people who may or may not have been related to one another.
But we have to talk about one guy in particular because he was far and away the star of the show. I’m talking about the anti-mask protester dressed up like Elvis:
I have SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
First, why in the world would this guy dress up like Elvis to protest the mask mandate? And why did he choose old, gross Elvis? Do you really think that dressing up like Elvis right before he died is going to give you credibility on public health issues? Is there a single person on Earth who equates late-stage Elvis with the word healthy?
And of course, he misspelled “breathe” on his sign, unless he wants us all to be free to breath.
What makes you wake up, look in your closet and say, “You know what? I think today is an Elvis day.” I mean, who does that? And is there nobody in his house to at least ask some questions before he leaves for a day of plague rat stuff?
Does the Elvis suit get dry cleaned regularly? It was about 85 degrees out there today, and that suit was working overtime. Does he have other costumes that he rotates out depending on the occasion? If so, what are they?
And why no sideburns? Would it kill you to fully commit to the role? I mean, what the hell?
I wish I could say the guy went there to goof on the protesters and make them look
silly sillier, but he seemed to be chirping right up with the rest of them, so I have to assume he was there of his own volition.
Get ready because this about to get even more bizarre.
But here’s the best part. Either this guy is a meta-level troll playing in his own league, or he’s even more stupid than the picture would indicate. Why? Because Elvis was famously pro-vaccine, going as far as to get vaccinated for polio on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1956.
In a world without social media, texting, or even cable television, Elvis getting his polio vaccine in front of millions of adoring teenagers was a huge deal. Vaccination rates among American youth skyrocketed to 80 percent after just six months.
So what exactly was happening on the steps of the State Capitol today? Was fake Elvis really trolling all of the anti-maskers, or did he somehow accidentally cosplay as a dead celebrity who managed to get millions of people vaccinated?
Personally, I think he should have just gone with his Jenny McCarthy outfit, but I would imagine the high heels would be uncomfortable if you plan on yelling at people all day long.
If anyone knows more about our Elvis impersonator with a cause, please let us know.
And to the 13 other protesters, don’t you people have jobs?